I am a great admirer of The Glasgow Boys. One of the pictures which looms large is A Highland Funeral by James Guthrie painted in 1882. When I arrived on Lewis it had moved on a bit and women now attend the Church Service. In the Free Church, however, it is still a very formal and sombre occasion. Sometimes the name of the deceased is still not mentioned.
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| A Highland Funeral, James Guthrie, 1882 |
I have on various occasions posted about funerals and what they mean to me but on this occasion I really am concentrating on a very simple and single subject: neckties.
No one going to a funeral on Lewis would wear anything other than a black or sombre tie. It's the only occasion I wear a black tie and my black Crombie overcoat.
However, my Maternal Grandmother's stipulated that the family would not wear black ties at her funeral. That funeral was 50 years ago this year and we didn't. Mine, I recall very well, was a silk black and dark red minuscule check tie (at that time my idea of risqué). However that didn't stop one of my Nana's contemporaries (I can't recall exactly what relative she was - help please CJ if you read this) tearing me off a strip in front of the gathered mourners for being inappropriately and disrespectfully dressed.
My son arranged his own end of life service (he refused to call it a funeral) as a celebration of his life and insisted there was no sign of mourning. There wasn't.
The older I get and given where I live and the current pandemic I did start wondering what I would like when my time comes. I've had a wonderful life and I don't want anyone to mourn my passing. I understand, though, people need a focus for what was and, perhaps still is, called closure. So, if there has to be something, I want a celebration of my life and I certainly don't want anyone wearing mourning or a black tie.
How about you?
I am also a great admirer of the Glasgow Boys and The Highland Funeral is one of my favourites. It makes me think of my grandmother's funeral and how it might have been in 1930 when she died when my mother was 9. It was winter and the burial ground is a windswept field miles from anywhere. My mother is now buried there with her. I imagine the mourners strung out across the field all wearing black. I was able to see the painting for real when I visited Kelvingrove a couple of years ago.
ReplyDeleteI recall your visit. I'm so glad that you enjoyed the picture, Rachel. I'm thrilled, too, that you are an admirer of The Glasgow Boys. With your very extensive knowledge that's a real compliment to them. I don't recall hearing about them when I lived in England (but that was a long time ago). I'm fascinated that you can imagine the scene such as you have described. All my recent family were buried or cremated in cities.
DeleteYour son is a lovely person caring for the feelings of others.
ReplyDeleteThe cemetery where I want to be in the wind doesn't allow scattering of ashes. I believe love ones will honor my wishes of ashes scattered to music, and a headstone. My life noted by my name written in stone feels right.
Maywyn, Thank you. I was moved by the thought behind the simplicity of your last sentence.
DeleteI think that a funeral, or celebration of a life, is really an event to help those left behind and should be an occasion that comforts and means something to them. As much as I may want to suggest what should or should not be said or done at mine, I suppose it won't really matter as I shall not be there.
ReplyDeleteJayCee, I can understand your point of view and, as you say, we won't be at our own funerals anyway.
DeleteAlthough I agree with JayCee, I do hope the person in charge of my remains will have me cremated and my ashes scattered wherever feels right to them. If I were there, I would prefer to be blowing in the wind in the Monument Valley of the southwest US. However, since this is sacred land to the native Americans my ashes will not be a desecration. By the time one has lived as long as I have there are very few remaining who would be mourners.
ReplyDeleteJill, your last sentence is food for thought. Oddly I am the oldest of all my remaining "Last of the Summer Wine" crowd of retired colleagues so if the natural order is maintained (and, of course, it rarely is) I will have a merry bad of younger people to see me off. Almost all my friends are younger than me too. Mind you on Lewis all sorts of people often turn up just to see who is there. You've made me wonder where my son would scatter my ashes if I say nothing. I must ask him.
DeleteThere used to be a stricter dress code here for funerals, I seem to recall from my childhood and youth - a bit depending on how closely related you were to the deceased. Nowadays I think it's a lot more relaxed but bright colours are probably still usually avoided. I did not wear all black at my own parents' funerals, and my brother never wears ties, so not on those occasions either. I think it's hard to dictate how anyone else should feel or express their feelings (including how to dress), but at the same time it can be of help for those who arrange the funeral (or celebration of life) to know if the deceased person did have some special opinions or requests. When my mum died (rather suddenly) I found some notes she had made on the topic which basically said she thought funerals were for the living to decide about. My dad, in spite of dementia, was also still able to express his basic wishes, so that helped (it was I who had to take care of the practical arrangements, with very little experience of other funerals). I've been thinking from time to time of writing some kind of document myself, but suggestions rather than requirements, as I think I pretty much share my mother's view that it's also a question of who one leaves behind. (Like, if anyone would like a grave to visit or not. Or a website, or whatever!)
ReplyDeleteThank you Monica for that detailed description of things past and your very useful thoughts about what one leaves behind.
DeleteFunerals here have never been very formal. Wear the suit and tie you normally wear. Today you will see people with jeans. There are rarely funerals with a body these days.
ReplyDeleteRed, burials are the norm on the Island (although the remains can be sent away to be cremated) and, on the whole, funerals are still 'old fashioned' and formal.
DeleteI'm a bit stuck on your grandmothers funeral and if she said no black ties, what was wrong with a black and red check? and why did they think it acceptable to tear strips off a family member? (no need to answer that, I know, I'm just musing)
ReplyDeleteOne of my facebook friends posted a while ago to say that she hadn't been to a funeral in ten years and didnt know what to wear, i found it rather stunning to imagine that her social circles had not suffered a death in so long.
I don't have a lot of requests for my funeral, the only way to make sure I am well remembered is to good to people and present in their lives
Thank you, Kylie, for those thoughts. In particular we could all do well to muse upon your last sentence for how we act is how we will be remembered.
DeleteI have stipulated that if I die here in France I wish to be buried with no service. If I should die in England I would want to be cremated; again with no service. The last funeral I attended was that of my father. I organised a reasonable 'stand-up meal' for afterwards, and supplied plenty of drinks. Unfortunately one of my uncle's drank too much and began to say things he shouldn't have. He used to be a favourite uncle, but instantly became totally toxic; we haven't spoken since.
ReplyDeleteCro, it's interesting that you should say no service. I have mused about that but probably will when the time comes (assuming I don't drop dead without prior warning). A family fall-out at a funeral happens more often than we might suppose.
DeleteI seem to remember folk saving for their own funerals. Do people still do that?
ReplyDeleteAdrian, that was the norm once upon a time. My Mum had organised and paid for her and Dad's funerals. I have no idea how common that is nowadays.
DeleteActually, I don't think I will care what happens at my funeral, but I know it is the decent thing to do to make arrangements, so that those we leave behind are not burdened with that on top of everything else. As I have no children, and most of my relatives and friends are my age or older, I do not expect there to be a big turnout.
ReplyDeleteAs for clothes, I am of rather conservative taste there and will try to wear black or grey to a funeral, but I don't mind others attending in jeans. As long as they are clean! Overly sexy clothes such as very short skirts and super-high heels are inappropriate, I think. After all, there is a person whose life has ended and which we miss dearly. Celebrating their past life is good, but the loss is still felt, and that is perfectly ok. Death should not be a taboo.
Meike, even in this country (which may, perhaps, be less conservative than Germany) I don't thing overly sexy clothes would usually be considered appropriate. I agree wholeheartedly that death should not be a taboo. It happens to all of us both in that we die and that we experience others dying.
DeleteI haven't given mine too much thought. Although, I quite like the idea of having my family scatter my ashes high up on the fells, so that even after I've gone I still get to 'drag' my children out on one last walk :)
ReplyDeleteGiven that you are a great deal younger than I am, Jules, I would not have expected you to have given the subject thought. However I do love your idea of dragging your children out on one last walk up the fells. My son would love that. He loves mountains and doesn't get enough excuses to go up them these days.
DeleteThrough no wish I have in my desk the Undertakers accounts of my mother, her mother and her mother's funerals, all from the last centuary.
ReplyDeleteAs I have no children I have just had to slip a note in my will as to what I would like to be done with my ashes. As widowed less than a year ago I hope that when my time comes those wishes may be followed. I wore Air Force Blue and a grey coat last February.
Lesley, Air Force Blue presumably had a significance for you. Regardless of that the combination sounds like a very good compromise between the old formality of black and the garish colours some wear and which tend to draw attention away from the situation itself.
DeleteThere is a green burial section in our local cemetery and my wife and I will be buried there in as natural a manner as possible, the plot already have been bought. I have no wish for a funeral of any kind, neither does my wife, but we have both agreed that if, when the time comes, it would make the surviving partner feel better to have a ceremony then we should feel free to act accordingly. If there is a ceremony, I am quite sure that none of our friends would be wearing a tie!
ReplyDeleteDavid, a young friend who died of a brain tumour is buried in a woodland cemetery in a decomposable coffin and it does seem a reasonably green way to go. I think your ceremony decision is by far the best one. Thanks for the idea. It was your original comment on ties a few weeks ago that gave me various ideas for 'tie' posts and reminded me of the incident which gave rise to this post.
DeleteI have been to more funerals in the last ten years than in the whole of my life previously, and even the "good ones" have been foul.
ReplyDeleteHimself and I renewed our Wills a couple of years back (after ANOTHER bluddy funeral) and both of us have it written down that we want private cremations with no service. I have no family, and he doesn't much like his. 😉 My ashes are destined for a favourite fell, and he's told me to put his on the compost heap so he can finally be of use in the garden.
Jayne, I'm not really sure that I've been to any foul funerals although I've been soaked through on several occasions during the 'lift'. P's comment about finally being of some use in the garden made me laugh out loud.
DeleteThanks Graham, I am delighted that I made you laugh :-) By "foul" I mean the funerals of those who have died before their time.
DeleteWhen my husband died he was cremated and we interred his ashes quietly and without ceremony. It was what he wanted and it actually worked well.
ReplyDeleteHaving no funeral is becoming more common here, although a few do have a memorial service after a cremation. As a genealogist I note that often a person was buried the next day with only a few words said at the graveside.
One doesn't think of funerals as having 'fashions' but when you look at history I believe they do. In the end though, it comes down to a personal decision and I always feel a deceased person's wishes should be respected whenever possible.
Margaret, I attended a few memorial services in New Zealand but never a funeral with an interment/cremation. It's becoming more common here in the UK (not the Island) now too. I agree with you that it's a personal decision and whatever works for the deceased's wishes and the next of kin left behind.
DeleteI think I would be the same as you Graham. The euthanasia bill has just been bought in here and the govt is trying to work out the logistics of it, I think each and every person has the right to decide when and where they go but as for me I'd rather people talk about positive things about me.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Amy. I didn't know that the euthanasia bill had been brought in although it was a subject talked about when I lived in New Zealand and it's rarely talked about here. Positive is, in my view, always best.
DeleteI don't want a funeral. I am not a church-goer, and haven't been since I was a child, in my very early teens. I just want to disappear. If there are some who remember me, I hope it is with kindness and good-humour, but I don't want anyone mourning my passing...and definitely not a church minister who has/had no idea who I was. Some words are shallow and meaningless when uttered by those who never knew the person.
ReplyDeleteJust my opinion...and I have no desire to press it upon anyone else...each to our own. :)
Lee, I think few would disagree with you and certainly an unknown minister, whilst he or she might organise the rituals, is hardly the person to talk of the deceased unless, of course, he is delivering a eulogy on behalf of someone who feels that they cannot do it.
DeleteTotally agree.
DeleteI don't give a tinker's what's done with my shell when I'm gone.*(caveat)* Whatever's cheapest, for whoever's dealing with it. Turn me to ashes, put me in a cardboard box, throw me in a tip. Don't care. There was some company that offered being buried inside a tree, I think... that would be interesting. Or getting sent to a body farm, where they use you for research... there are so many possibilities!
ReplyDeleteThose who loved me in my life will remember me in their hearts, and that's the best thing. If people feel like getting together to remember me, they can do what they like, but I certainly hope there is no dress code and no church involved.
*And please, don't put me on display. If you have to look at my mug, there are plenty of photos about.*
I think I'd prefer the raindrop of my life to soundlessly slip back into the ocean.