Over the next next four or five months I will have to go to The Mainland on three occasions at least. For my annual CT scan combined with my 3-monthly cancer review at The Beatson (the West of Scotland's cancer centre of excellence in Glasgow). Then, possibly April, to have my uretic stent replaced. In June there is a wedding in Edinburgh for one of my New Zealand Family. Immediately after which four members of The Family are coming to stay on Lewis.
All of a sudden I am grabbed by a feeling of dread at the idea of leaving the Island.
Why?
I don't mind driving (and I have a large comfortable reliable estate car in which to do it). I don't mind the ferry journey from Stornoway to Ullapool (It's only 2½ hours and I'm a good sailor and down the mainland sealoch the scenery is beautiful). If I fly, instead, I am very happy in airplanes despite a loathing of airports these days. And when I'm in Glasgow and other places I have friends with whom to stay and enjoy time.
So what has happened to me?
After all It's not that many years since I 'commuted' between my home here on Lewis and my home in New Zealand. I did that journey for a decade until I returned to Scotland for good in 2017 when I was basically told that they couldn't really look after my cancer (which had shown signs of returning) if I insisted on being away for 6 months of the year. In any case life was altering in many ways. So Scotland had to become my full-time home once more.
Since then my summer trips to Europe became fewer and ceased when I was refused medical insurance.
Then, gradually, my visits to England became fewer and stopped with Covid and have not resumed.
I'm very happy driving on the Mainland of Scotland - after all it is a stunningly beautiful Country. I have to admit though, that having to meet ferry deadlines and wait a week for a booking in summer if one misses the ferry because of hospital or a road accident (both of which affected me last year) have taken the joy out of summer travel. Ferry cancellations because of weather, which I managed to avoid for 46 years, now loom large frequently.
And I love my home, My family, my friends, my garden and and........
Am I alone? Is it an age 'thing'?
Ah well. I suppose I'd better do the ironing.
I know how you feel Graham, and I would like to know if it is an age thing as well. After my recent illness I am finding I am very disinclined to go out anywhere and haven't the energy to face social situations. The world seems to be rushing on and on and I would much prefer to stay home in the environment I love, than go out and face Life. And then I remind myself that if I stopped doing anything that I found "troublesome" then my life would become pretty boring. I need to make the effort. I hope you find the solution to your own dilemma. Hugz, Mxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for that insight, Margaret. I'm very happy going places and meeting people so long as I'm on the Island. I think it's the hassle involved in leaving the Island and getting back that really bugs me.
DeleteGraham, I know what you and Margaret are both saying, but the possibility of travel problems compounds your difficulties. I feel reluctant to commit to anything these days, which does not mean I won't do it but simply that I'll make my mind up on the day. Those who don't like it can lump it. Of course, medical appointments are different. I have an early one coming up which will mean getting out of the house before 8.00 which will be a struggle. I am not allowed to drive any more, which is a real limitation. I haven't tried to get travel insurance but suspect it would be refused. It's a bugger i'n't it. Keep up the fight.
ReplyDeleteAye, Tasker, it's a real bugger. I think I'm just hoping for a hassle-free year of travel. If that happens perhaps I'll think differently.....perhaps.
DeleteI haven’t reached this stage at all, Graham. I am still willing to travel at a moment’s notice, but I don’t have illnesses to contend with, and ferry schedules and delays are not part of my life. I suppose that at some point I will become a stay-at-home, or be forced to by circumstance, but for the time being let me roam!
ReplyDeleteDavid, in all honesty I don't know whether the ferry and other problems are the cause of my current dislike of travel but I rather suspect they are.
DeleteI imagine illness and disability have an effect on one's willingness to leave home. I have neither (so far) but nonetheless am reluctant to disrupt what little routine I have. I have always appreciated my home and see little to encourage me to travel away from it. There is plenty to interest and absorb my attention. I wish you well and hope the nameless dread passes.
ReplyDeleteThank you Janice. I don't really think my various 'lllnesses' are the main problem because generally speaking I am very fit for someone in his 80th year on this earth. Like you I am very fortunate to have a home in which I feel very comfortable and into which I am pleased to welcome many friends and visitors.
DeleteVery much an age thing I think. I see many signs of this in myself and more with my older partner. We now see the best part of a holiday as being back home after. This will change to the best holiday to have is one at home.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I think age definitely is playing a big part in it. The more I read people's comments and think about it the more I realise that I'm very content with the life I have here.
DeleteIn a discussion about my level of anxiety and stress, the doctor explained to me this. Our body pays attention to what we like and what we don't. When stress increases, the mind reacts with symptoms to protect the body, indicating a need for change. Think stress related illnesses. The longer I stay comfy at home, the happier my body is because there are much fewer stomach and anxiety issues. When I have to go out to appointments, the body reacts with an increase in stress. The mind and body want to stop me from entering the uncomfortable zone.
ReplyDeleteNot wanting to leave home isn't as much an age issue, I believe, as it is the mind and body in their happy place, where, by the way, we happen to be there with them.
Dreads are another problem. I have them regularly to varying degrees as soon as I wake up.
Maywyn, what you say makes a lot of sense although I'm still thinking that age has a relevance because with age we can go one of two ways: be satisfied doing the things easiest to do (like staying in my own environment) or get agitated by the fact that we have difficulty - or may fear that we will have difficulty - when we step outside our comfort zone. It's definitely a mind thing though.
DeleteI struggle to get motivated to leave home because my disability means I don't like unknowns. Once I get myself out the door, it's all good but I do think that initial inertia gets harder and harder to overcome
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that Kylie. It's not something I've picked up when reading your blog because you are so involved with people. You have a good point though which I should have thought about more. Once I'm on the ferry home I look back at the time away and am happy I went.
DeleteI know how you feel. I too feel more comfortable at home, in the village and in the local suburbs. Going further stresses me unless i'm with someone else. I enjoy going out for lunch with friends but to get on a plane to go to Melbourne to visit family daunts me. I know I could do it buit I would dread it, like you. To think we travelled all over the world from 1970 to 2017 but then Bill's heart failure and Covid lockdowns kept us close to home. As I've aged I can't get over how I now lack confidence to do things, like driving into the city etc. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteThank you for that detailed comment, Diane. It's good to know that it's not just me who feels that way.
DeleteIt's an age thing. I know how you feel. No getting over it. It's how we've become, but we've had one helluva good ride.
ReplyDeleteABSOLUTLY RIGHT, RED!! We really have had one helluva good ride.
DeleteI was thinking that your travel difficulties have added to your feelings of reluctance to travel. It does feel so cumbersome to make big trips now but you know you have do to the medical trips and the wedding trip will be such fun so you will manage it! It will make you glad each time you arrive back home again, Graham!
ReplyDeleteEllen you are absolutely right about the travel difficulties. They have been the source of all the anxiety. I should start playing The Glad Game again. It used to be my default mental position.
DeleteI think that as we get older, it just all seems so much more complicated. There is an increasing number of things that we must take into consideration. Gone are the days when we throw our stuff in a suitcase and go.
ReplyDeleteThat's certainly true, Debby.
DeleteI continue to live in two countries, but when at either home my main desire is to stay put. All I want these days is a quiet life.
ReplyDeleteAnd the irony is, Cro, that just about everything conspires against that.
DeleteYup!
DeleteI'm having a hard time getting my head around that problem, Graham, it sounds so unlike you. But having said that I often wonder where parts of me have gone to. I accept that there is an aging process but it sometimes comes as a surprise when I notice it in myself. I find changes creeping in and it takes my brain a while to feel comfortable with them.
ReplyDeleteI know you would crawl over hot coals to be at that wedding and imagine the joy awaiting when the family arrive!
Pauline, It has come as a very rude awakening and one of the reasons that I wrote this post was to rationalise it and put it into perspective. You're right about the wedding. I'd get up off my deathbed to be there.
DeleteAs you know, O.K. and I are very much used to our trips back and forth between our two homes. Usually, I don't mind the train journey at all; I watch the changing countryside from my seat by the window, with my heart beating faster as soon as the hills of the Black Forest come into view, and I have a few favourite houses I always look out for.
ReplyDeleteBut every time something has gone wrong with my trains (and as you know, this does happen often) I have a sense of relief when it is NOT my turn to travel the next weekend, but O.K. is driving up.
Also, when I have had a particular busy day at the office, I long for a quiet day or two working from home.
And after a series of gatherings with family and friends, such as during the Christmas/New Year period, I really need a few nights on my own, home alone.
To me, it's all in the balance, and cold/wet weather adds to me wanting to stay in, of course.
So, maybe your balance simply has slightly shifted towards needing more time to yourself and at home.
As always, Meike, your analytical mind has summed it up and rounded off the discussion so far.
DeleteTo every time there is a season. As the years pass, our habits and our horizons tend to change. I feel as though the pandemic was a significant line in my life. Before it, I had boundless energy and could do most anything. After it, I feel more restrained and lethargic and this is not in any way connected with "long COVID". I'm getting old now. Before COVID I was defiantly young.
ReplyDeleteNeil, I've wondered about whether the pandemic changed my view of things (I didn't have Covid during lockdown so not connected with Long Covid either). I don't really think it did. However I think that this winter has been a much harder one than usual emotionally for me and quite a few of my friends. And you are not getting old physically.
DeleteFeels like a very long time since I felt comfortable with travelling long distances (especially by public transport, which is what I've usually had to use), not worrying about unforeseen complications... Health issues came into it for me long before I could blame "age" as such - but now there's certainly that as well! (and as you know I'm still a decade younger than you) Just how to transport myself "across town" for a health care appointment can cause me serious worries these days. Like some others above have noted, I also feel that certain things changed with the pandemic, and haven't quite changed back again after. And this winter in Sweden has been exceptional as far as (lack of) reliability of public transport is concerned: time and time again trains and busses have been cancelled, and cars reported stuck in queues on major roads for hours etc (because of snow and ice). I do hope your next upcoming drives or flights to the mainland will go smoothly and that the time spent with friends will make up for the less comfortable aspects and make you feel better about it again! ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your wishes, Monica. I appreciate how fortunate I am when I think of the efforts you have to make to achieve journeys I just drive to in a minutes.
DeleteGraham, I was actually thinking similarly this morning because I have to go to the town office to pick up the rabies dog license and I hate leaving my home. I feel much the same as you do in terms of not feeling like going any distance too long and I also relate that to post-Covid and medical necessities dealing with fighting cancer (requiring long round trips to the hospital) during Covid. I'm just content to be home with my music, my pets, and books. I'm very stay-at-home now and don't see it changing much. Good luck with your tests, etc., etc. From the base of the mini-mountain in Maine.
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from you, Regina. I think I would feel rather restricted if I didn't leave home if defined as my house and garden. I have lived here for half a century and have a lot of friends I've known for that time. I see them (or those of them who are still with us) a great deal. Without my friends and family I'd be a different person.
DeleteYes, Graham....truly very different for me in terms of almost all of my dearest and longest time friends having died, as well as almost all my generation in the family. I hadn't thought of that. I'm sure I wouldn't be quite as content at home. Took quite a while for me to adjust. I focus on all the wonderful memories I have. Very fortunate for that.
DeleteRegina, memories is one of the benefits of age, I agree. I have a terrible memory (and always have had) for certain things but I've been taking photographs since I was 8 and they are a wonderful aid.
DeleteAge, health, and travel are closely related.
ReplyDeleteI remember the doctor opposing to my father's working beyond retirement, as she believed his daily commute was bad for his blood pressure and other ailments. She insisted that he kept to his home, and practised a lot of walking instead.
That's interesting, Duta, because I know that when my father retired he loved his free time with my mother and his hobbies but he missed the company of work and persuaded a friend to give him a part time fairly menial job just so that he could meet more people in the city again.
DeleteMy own experience is only based on having to travel from one end of this country to the other, but I also begin to feel dread these days when a journey is due. When younger I used to pack my bags, catch a train or get into the car and never worry about breakdowns, hold ups or delays of any kind. Confidence in spades! Now I'm much older - almost 80 - I don't go so often, always drive myself and spend a couple of days before my journey asking myself if I really need, want, should go as the feeling of dread - and the what ifs - come flooding in. I think it's almost a fear of the unknown - I'm sure I would cope with problems, after all I always have - so why this feeling? Probably because as I've got older I haven't had to put myself in situations where I know there will be problems - age and experience have taught me what to avoid - so it could just be the lack of up to date practice! I hope all your journeys go well. Elaine
ReplyDeleteElaine, you and I are obviously around the same age so can speak and think with that in common. It's the 'what ifs' I never used to think about much. However they have come to fruition in recent years and I really don't want to face them any more if I don't have to. I hope that your journeys, too, go according to plan.
DeleteI've just read Elaine's comment and she has saved me many minutes! Absolutely I think it a confidence thing of a journey on one's own. Too much 'What if?' Lesley
ReplyDeleteLesley, apart from age, I think my response to Elaine applies.
DeleteI empathise and understand, having been guilty of feeling very similar over the last few years. I do not like to call it “an age thing” because that implies increasing decrepitude and a reduction in faculties, BUT, I think what happens to many of us is that we become more aware of all the things which can go wrong. Particularly when ferries are so often cancelled, roads get blocked/closed, and all the other inconveniences of 21st century life.
ReplyDeleteApart from ‘proper holidays’ I am embarrassed at how rarely I leave my home county, however, when you live in such a wonderful part of the world the desire to go somewhere else is much reduced. Somewhere online there is a Meme which says something like “instead of focussing on your next holiday, create a life that you don’t need to be constantly escaping from”. The world might be a kinder, happier place if more people could actually do that.
Jayne, I think you are one of the most adventurous and roaming of my blog readers. Although I seem to recall that the last post I read (which seems ages ago - I must check) you were expressing some reservations. I seemed to recall the weather had a lot to do with that. Must go back and check.
DeleteSir, you are too kind, x. It is not often I am thought of as adventurous and roaming but I rather like it 😉. In truth, it is so long since I blogged (or had anything to blog about) that I cannot remember what I might have said. I had a December of doing nothing because an old shoulder injury flared up and for most of January the weather has not been conducive to going out to play. Hopefully with February in sight things will improve.
DeleteJayne, this is going to be a wonderful Spring. My positive vibes are banishing my negative ones.
DeleteVery interesting to read all these wonderful comments - you have touched a nerve in us all ! I do still go away, but experience for me has involved an injury while away and I am now far more thoughtful about where I go and what awaits me.
ReplyDeleteCovid might also have contributed to some of the issues as long periods of sitting in tight spaces has lost its appeal - but the constant problems at airports, traffic jams, and long rough ferry trips (NZ Cook Strait ferries are having. alot of issues with old boats) seems to be a constant issue in the news.
I am off to a vet school reunion in Palmerston North soon - and actually looking forward to it - but was also very relieved to return early from five days away recently - and that was due to being tired dealing with a range of personalities and feeling homesick. I seem to have developed an increasing appreciation of family, home and familiarity with age. Travel involves a "loss of control" element and age/ life experience has taught us we are probably going to have to cope with delays etc so of course there will be dread - we just didnt acknowledge it as an issue when we were younger. Let alone the medical aspects in your journey which would be stressful even if they were being done on the island.
I do hope the wedding goes wonderfully and all your travel is as smooth as possible....
Kia kaha.
Well, Fi, you've really summarised the whole post and comments pretty comprehensively. Thank you for your wishes for the wedding. I'm obviously looking forward to it and the fact that four members of The Family are coming up to Lewis to stay for a while after it. It was really good to hear from you.
DeleteGraham, your reluctance to leave your comfortable home and surroundings doesn't seem in the least unreasonable. I enjoy traveling, but so dislike the waits at airports, bus and/or train stations where one must have a ticket to travel and other places. Auto travel is much more convenient but unfortunately one can't get everywhere by that method alone. I read all the previous comments and age may play a part in the decision to travel, but it seems you have good (medical) reasons to go to the mainland. And, who doesn't like a wedding when you get to see people you haven't seen in possibly years and it is certainly a much nicer affair than the alternative.
ReplyDeleteBeatrice, you've summed it up in a nutshell.
DeleteI actually envy you living where you do. I would love to travel your country and see where my Dunlop and Mackintosh ancestors came from. I'm a homebody like you, I love being at home in my own space and find it a chore to go outside of it but bills have to be paid I guess.
ReplyDeleteAmy, i think that there is a desire to see where our ancestors came from in most people. My Father's Mother was North Welsh and I always identified with North Wales as a child and knew it intimately. My Mother's family was English (with lots of other bits thrown in) and I don't identify with England as such at all. I have been fortunate to live in New Zealand and travel the South Island. But having done that I am content where I am.
Delete