A number of people in Blogland and also in my personal life have recently been commenting on the fact that we are all getting older and some of us are getting to the stage when there is one helluva lot more behind us than we can look forward to.
Although few of us mention it, many of my friends deep down wonder not so much how long we are going to live but how much longer we are going to function effectively physically, and in many ways far more importantly, mentally. As more and more people I know succumb to dementia of one type or another it is the condition that we all dread but all pretend is something that happens to other people. It is the untalked about elephant in the room.
My Dad was born in 1907 on 11 December so this would be his 116th birthday (and if I have the maths wrong I'm sure someone will tell me). He died at the age of 94.
I've blogged about him on a few occasions because he was a wonderful father and a lovely person.
Today's post is a little story from the last week or so of his life when he had been admitted to a nursing home as an emergency patient with chronic heart failure which meant that he was unable even to raise his hand to his mouth to give himself a drink.
On being told of his admission I drove down from the Hebrides to Liverpool and went straight to the nursing home.
Just after I arrived a Social Worker also arrived and was shown into the room. She introduced herself and said that she had come to assess my father for his suitability for the facility.
She then started with the usual questions "Do you know where you are and what time it is?" and so on. At that point I interjected and pointed out that this was a bizarre line of questioning for someone who was virtually blind, had no access to a clock, a radio or anything else and could not read a newspaper even if he had one and that I, who did but who had just driven from the Hebrides couldn't tell her the date, time or even what day it was.
After she and I had exchanged a few more sentences Dad interjected:
"For heaven's sake you two!" "The date is...the day is... We had lunch about an hour ago. They presumably serve it around 1230. So it's probably about 1.30. The date is X (I never did know how on earth he knew that), and you are probably going to ask me who is on the throne and who the Prime Minister is etc etc." He then went on to answer the questions he had presumed would be asked.
At the end of all that the Social Worker turned to me and said "Well that is you and I truly put in our place", put down her papers and started have a proper conversation with Dad and I.
I keep clinging to the hope that as both my parents at the age of 94 and 93 had all their mental faculties there may be hope for me now that I've entered my eightieth year.
(OK How many of you - apart from Bob if he read this - checked my maths?)
I did not check your math. Your social worker sounds as if she was very sensible. My mother had been told she was dying from liver failure, and was moved into a facility to stabilize before coming home to die. The social worker came in to ask her list of questions. One of them was 'do you often think about death?' My mother answered a honest yes. (Remember that she had just been told she was dying) She was outraged to find that she'd been labeled a suicide risk.
ReplyDeleteDebby, I didn't seriously expect anyone to check my math. Your Mother's story is beyond belief! Actually I should say that the social worker's actions were beyond belief.
DeleteI did not check your Maths.
ReplyDeleteBut... I regret to say that at 76 1/2, widowed , no dog now and no children or immediate family my Best Friend in almost exactly the same circumstances - one year older but still has her dog - are both saying how depressed we are with The World and often ask ourselves 'Is this all there is?'
Yes, I know we have a lot to be grateful for. But..... Lesley
Lesley, I was out for lunch with a friend of nearly half a century today and we started to talk about the state of the country. No one our age should do that. It's far too depressing.
DeleteI have not seen the need to check your maths, Graham. What matters more in this post is that your parents kept their mental health to well past their 90th birthday. As far as I know, dementia can creep up on anyone, but there is apparently a certain genetic factor as well. And in that department, you are lucky!
ReplyDeleteMy Dad hated it (and so did I) when my Mum asked him such test questions. She already knew his mental capacities were declining, and in my opinion, she did not need those questions to establish this.
Meile, as you say, dementila can apparently strike anyone. However I'd rather have the tiny bit of positive help that a positive genetic factor might give.
DeleteMy Dad had Alzheimer's before he died so my 3 siblings and I are always wondering if that will show up in us. My older brother has started to show some signs of dementia and it is frightening to him (and the rest of us). I'm second oldest so I'm often wondering if I'll be next. I've had the memory tests and at the start one is asked to remember three words. I know the words are ball, tree, flag so I guess my memory is okay for now. Hope they don't change the 3 words!
ReplyDeleteEllen, I hope that you continue to remember the words and that they don't change!
DeleteIt is a little disconcerting when one realises that, more and more often, words and memories escape capture. Sometimes I worry that this is the start of dementia. I keep up with my blog as it forces me to think about constructing sentences and remembering words and phrases. In day to day life now, I frequently forget these simple things.
ReplyDeleteJayCee, unfortunately (or fortunately depending on the way one looks at it) I have always had a terrible memory so my current lapses scare me less than they might otherwise.
DeleteThe fact we read and write blogs and look around us for conversations we can have in blogland, points of interest to share etc will help stave off dementia even if there is a risk. Active mind and healthy life do help...
ReplyDeleteI'm absolutely sure, Tigger's Mum, that you are correct.
DeleteI didn’t check your math, Graham. I fear that I might get it wrong! I am eighty years old, still fit and active, both mentally and physically and I hope it continues for some time yet. What will ultimately happen is the big question. I have one daughter (who I am visiting at present) and she lives a six-hour drive away, and has a career. I can’t think of anyone on my wife’s side of the family who would be interested in caring for me if the need arose, so what the final stages will be like is anyone’s guess. There is a place for euthenasia.
ReplyDeleteDavid, I hope that you continue with your physically and mentally active life. On the subject of euthenasia many years ago in a very remote part of the South Island, New Zealand, I met someone who was a university lecturer or professor and his subject was 'having a 'good' death. I had been diagnosed with cancer and operated upon some 10 or 11 years previously and had just lost my son to cancer. The chap's subject was of considerable interest to me and I got occasional papers on the subject for a while afterwards. I agree with your comment on euthenasia.
DeleteNot me. I believe you. Is it not right?
ReplyDeleteI believe it to be right, Tasker.
DeleteMath was never my strength so I'll take your word for it :) I do think about "the elephant" from time to time, but so far, other health issues have usually been more in focus (because of being more than theoretical...) It does happen that I start the day (before getting out of bed) by asking myself those classic questions, though! (What date and day of the week it is, and who's the current prime minister etc.) Whether I'll be able to correctly diagnose myself if one day I should happen to give myself the wrong answers is another question, though! ;-)
ReplyDeleteMonica, without being flippant, I often have difficulty recalling the most ordinary and commonplace pieces of information. Fortunately many of my younger friends are just as bad,
DeleteI have not checked your maths nor would I think to bother. It is not my place to correct anyone on something like that and however old your Dad would have been this week, he sounds like a splendid gentleman.
ReplyDeleteYou may have encountered the last sensible Social Worker, stories I hear of what passes for assessment and care now make me hope I either get struck down by something sudden and quickly final, or am able to organise myself to get to Pegasos or Dignitas seeing as our current batch of MPs cannot find whatever dark place they have stuck their digits and done what more than two-thirds of the country apparently want, which is to sort out end of life care.
If I left a dog the way some elderly people are treated, particularly those with cognitive decline, I would deserve to be whipped.
Jayne, I concur with you whole heartledly. Fortunately my Dad died fairly shortly after being completely incapacitated. My Mum died without an illness.
DeleteWonderful post. I did not check your math.
ReplyDeleteYou are spot on about aging worries. I don't want to wake up someday with a marked decrease in memory.
Technology helps. I can call my phone from my computer to find it. For my glasses, I buy over the counter, and spread them around.
Being asked date, time and such, I may not do well on some days, good on others. It depends what I've been doing. I can, however, talk about interesting information from blogs I've read. First thing everyday, I do Wordle, a jigsaw puzzle online, and a few other games for brain exercise. I my go back to doing a crossword.
Maywynn, I think that you, and I'm pretty much the same, are doing all that we can.
DeleteYour father sounds like an amazing man with a great attitude. I love hearing about elderly people who are still "with it" in their minds, I hope you got some life stories out of him, I'm sure he had alot to share.
ReplyDeleteAmy, Dad was amazing and a wonderful Dad as well. He wasn't a great one for 'stories' because like many who had lived through wars they preferred to 'hide' the past.
DeleteLife is too short to check your maths. That's an amusing story about your father. There isn't dementia in my family, so I have my fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteAnd may you continue with the family's tradition, Andrew.
DeleteI often think that I would not be able to answer some of the cognitive questions. Yes, I know they say the test is just an indication. However, at this age many of my friends are experiencing difficulties and it's sad.
ReplyDeleteRed, it's just a question of being able to function independently and safely and whilst we can do that we are probably okay.
DeleteI'm not worried about myself yet but I am seeing my parents decline rapidly before my eyes and it certainly makes me wonder what my old age will look like.
ReplyDeleteI'm sad for your parents, Kylie, and the effect that has on you although all your interests and mental awareness will hopefully act in your favour.
DeleteGraham, I feel it would be more than slightly ridiculous of me to check your arithmetic. I recently had a trip in an ambulance and the lovely young medic was putting me through my paces. I was quite chuffed that I did actually know the day and date - I'd attended a Christmas function earlier that day and had been watching the calendar for days to make sure I didn't miss it. Anyway she said she wouldn't ask me for the prime minister's name as we've just had an election and I think I may have told her to keep up with the play. At the moment I'm more concerned about being an abrupt, maybe even rude, old lady than about having dementia.
ReplyDeleteBugger! That was me. Pauline
DeleteYour comment made me laugh out loud, Pauline. I've never known you to be rude because you have the rare and wonderful ability to be very direct without any hint of causing offence.
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ReplyDeleteCertain petty bureaucrats tend to speak to the elderly as if they're children. It makes my blood boil.
ReplyDeleteNot just bureaucrats - delivery people, too!
DeleteCro and Janice it's not just bureaucrats and delivery people but a huge range of people can treat the elderly in a demeaning way.
DeleteSigh...i find that II am related to some of them.
DeleteIt's true that one is as old as one feels and are affected by the people around one. I had a long conversation with my husband's sister-in-law the other day - well, it was more of a monologue of ailments - hers and other people's - and was left simultaneously depressed and relieved. Keep on keeping on . . .
ReplyDeleteJanice, I understand that some people get depressed by their ailments and by the ailments of others but some can turn the situation into an art form!
DeleteI am nearly 90 and constantly on the alert for memory loss and other signs of cognitive decline. I do the New York Times crossword every morning with my coffee and I complete Ravensburger jigsaw puzzles on one of my kitchen counters. Even with these stimulating activities I still worry about losing my memory. As David said, euthanasia!
ReplyDeleteJill, one of the things I suppose is to be aware and whilst we are still aware then there is a likelihood that we are okay. I do the Times 2 Crossword (never having mastered cryptic crosswords) and Wordle and play 'Scrabble' on line. However I was born with an atrocious memory so I don't worry too much about forgetting facts and so on.
DeleteAs we age, issues such as you mentioned, do come to mind, Graham. Like so many others have commented keeping our minds active through reading, game-playing and blogging may all be helpful deterrents vs. sitting in front of a TV. Admittedly, I have been known to sit far too long at a computer screen but usually it's been to follow down the rabbit hole of lookin for information on one thing or another. The story about your father and the social's workers questions and his replies was rather amusing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Beatrice. Sometimes going down metaphorical rabbit holes can be both educational and entertaining. I'm sure that many of us do it quite a lot.
DeleteA wonderful story, Graham. Thank you so much for sharing this heartwarming memory with us.
ReplyDeleteTake good care. :)
You are very welcome, Lee. I wish that I had more of them.
DeleteWell, I have never been good at arithmetic so quite boldly I will happily accept your calculation. Sounds like your dad never lost his marbles! And I love the way you summed him up - "a wonderful father and a lovely person." As it happens, I could say just the same of my father.
ReplyDeleteYP, we have both been very fortunate because not everyone can say that unfortunately,
DeleteI have to confess to checking your Maths - retired school teacher here :)
ReplyDeleteHelsie, I'm pleased that you did. As you have not said otherwise I'm assuming that I was correct.
DeleteIf you live into your nineties you have certainly come by it honestly! So keep going! Happy Christmas!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jenny. I hope that 2024 is a Good Year for you.
DeleteJust popping in to wish you Happy Holidays, Graham!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ellen, and Happy Holidays to you and yours as well.
DeleteWhat a touching and insightful story about your father's wit and resilience, even in challenging circumstances. It's heartening to hear how he handled the situation with humor and sharpness, reminding us all that age is not just about numbers but the richness of experiences and wisdom gained. Here's to treasuring the memories of loved ones and embracing the present, navigating the journey with the same grace your father exemplified.
ReplyDeleteVisit https://www.melodyjacob.com/
Thank you for your kind words, Melody.
DeleteMelody above has said it all. What an amazing person your dad was to be so with it when in a bad way. Sounds like you come from a good gene pool. My Dad only lived to 69. My brother only to 71. Cancer got them both. My mum lived until 87 but had dementia for the last five years. That is what worries me .I've made it to 81 so far. I watched my father suffer for 2 years with a broken body and an alert mind except when on morphine. I watched my Mum suffer for 5 years in a nightmare of dementia with a strong heart and body but a broken mind. Both were horrible. I hate to think what is in store for me. On this miserable note I'll wish you a Merry Christmas.
ReplyDeleteDiane, it pained me to read that because although Dad had his problems with macular degeneration and, at the end, heart failure he was able to live a good life almost to the end and Mum right to the end. I am fortunate in that the medics keep my body functioning very well but the thought of dementia scare the living daylights out of me. The thing is we none of us know what the future holds. So many of my friends have just dropped dead of heart attacks or have unexpectedly died after a short cancer illness. Whereas others (and I'm one of them) have soldiered on through thick and thin. The worst thing we can do to ourselves is ruin our last years with worry. Enjoy each day as if there were no more to come.
DeleteHope your New Year is filled with happy adventures and good health, Graham!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much, Ellen. Hopefully I will be back in Blogland quickly and explain why I've been absent.
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