It started with my Maternal Grandmother in 1971 at the age of 93. She died. She sat down, her heart stopped and she died. Rather like Francis Garrood's Ernest, nobody had expected it, least of all my Grandmother.
Some years before she died she had had influenza. That was in the days when the doctor would come to the house in the middle of the night and pronounce that the climax would be in a few hours and the patient would either die or, if she got through that, the would be fine. Nana had got through it so was invincible. After that she gave instructions that no black was to be worn at her funeral.
In the nearly half a century I've lived on Lewis I have been to a great many funerals. A funeral is a very important occasion and in the earlier days a thousand people could turn up. I still wear a dark suit, black tie and, in winter, the Crombie I bought in George Henry Lee (John Lewis in Liverpool) I bought around 60 years ago.
At my Grandmother's funeral I wore a tie of red and black tiny diamonds the overall effect of which was a muted red. At the gathering afterwards I was very publicly berated by a relative. Mores hadn't moved forward.
When our son, Andy, died in 2006, he made all the arrangements for his farewell: it was to be a celebration of his life and there was to be no mourning and nothing black. There was a Humanist celebrant: Andy was atheist. The service opened with a song by The Smashing Pumpkins. Apart from that I can recall absolutely nothing whatsoever of the day: not even where we went afterwards. Mind you it was all in London where Andy lived.
At the beginning of this week an acquaintance of 40 or so years died. The Celebration of Life Service was held in the Salvation Army Hall. Those attending were asked to wear bright colours. Everyone made some effort - even those who probably had nothing even semi-bright in their wardrobe. I wore my bright red waistcoat, a colourful tie and no black whatsoever. She had a wonderful send-off with lots of happy moments recounted. The irony of it was that probably more people were crying than I've ever seen at any Lewis funeral before.
When I go, and like everyone else I surely shall, please make sure you are wearing a bright colour to remember me. If you're wearing black and talking of the things that await me, I shall come back and haunt you.
Whoops! I had to re-read that. I thought surely Graham can't be heading for the Gulag.
ReplyDeleteAdrian, we none of us know were and when we are heading.
DeleteHello Graham: I am all for this business of bright colours, food and wine at a funeral, rather than sombre colours and gloomy faces. I would certainly want people to remember me as I am, committed to nature in all its wonder, while enjoying my friends to the fullest and sharing life together. I have always thought that if people could genuinely say, "He was a good guy" after I'm gone, that's about all I could ask for. I am an atheist and my wife and I will occupy a place in the green section of the cemetery. There will be no funeral, and no inscription or grave marker. Our departure will be as devoid of significance as was our arrival! And that's the way it should be.
ReplyDeleteActually, David, I can imagine that your arrive was not devoid of significance to your parents. I don't want a funeral service as such but the idea of everyone getting together and remembering me for an hour or so might be good for some of those friends and family left behind.
DeleteGraham, if only you knew the details of my childhood, you would know that for my parent (I only ever knew knew one of them), my arrival was significant only in the sense that it was unwanted and inconvenient, and my upbringing, or lack thereof proved it in spades. I left "home" when I was sixteen, the legal age at which I could do so, and never returned.
DeleteWhen the day arrives, being haunted by you does not feel like a horrible situation. It feels more of an invitation.
ReplyDeleteSalty beat me to it. I was going to say "I guess I'm wearing black, then." 8-) Actually, as far as formal events go, I always find it annoying that the people hosting the "do" try to control what everyone else does. Like at weddings - why do you have to put place cards and force people to sit with people they may not enjoy? Other than the head table, why can't everyone else sit with whomever they choose? How many awesome friendships have never begun because someone tried to order the activities of their guests, and seated people apart that would have maybe even gotten married themselves because of the impromptu introduction of eating together? Nonsense, I say. As for funerals, people should wear what they want. The fact that they got out of bed and made the effort to attend should be indication of their feeling for the deceased. I'm with David G - people who knew and loved me will miss me. That's all. As for my body, I won't need it any more so I really don't care... whatever's cheapest and easiest. Cremation seems a good way to take care of things without all that horrific used-car-salesman "don't you want the gold encrusted coffin" nonsense. So many people's families get fleeced by those vultures. If I wear black to a funeral, it's mostly because I haven't seen any of those people in a million years and black helps to camouflage all the weight I've gained since the last time they saw me. 8-)
DeleteI am sorry for the loss of your friend, GB.
Maywyn, I would be a very friendly ghost with no bad intentions.
DeleteMarcheline, I would ask you for whom the benefit of the funeral is. My funeral won't be for me because I won't be there. I would like to think, though, that some people would like to remember me - whether fondly or otherwise - and meet others of my acquaintance and share memories and stories. I won't be here to worry but it gives me comfort whilst I'm alive to think that a few might celebrate our friendship when I'm gone. As for my body, I'm with you, plain coffin and off to the crematorium. On the Island there's no fancy coffins with all the gold trimmings as may be indications of status or whatever in other cultures.
Your tie with stars sounds perfect. I don't wear black to funerals but I do feel the need to look "muted" as a mark of respect.
ReplyDeleteCelebrating life is the best ending a person can have, I think
Kylie, for an ordinary Island funeral I will conform. But where I know what the person wants I will comply.
Delete(Smiling at Salty Pumpkin's comment...) How we feel about funerals in general probably depends a good deal on our previous experiences of them. Later ones I've been to have been a mix of feelings, saying goodbye and remembering the good things all in one. I'd say wear what you want at mine ;-) At funerals in later years (including my own parents) I didn't wear all black but not really bold colours either. I think it depends on what you know of the person (and close relatives) what feels right.
ReplyDeleteMonica, that's basically what I do too except that quite a few people I know/knew specified what they would like people to wear and I respected that.
DeleteGraham, I'd do that as well!
DeleteThe last two friends of mine who have died were too far away for me to attend their funerals/celebrations of life in person, but gratefully attended via streaming. No restriction or instruction as to clothes in those instances, but also no gathering with other friends and relatives afterwards. For Steve, we held two services, one here in Germany and one back home in Yorkshire. While I was unable to shed a single tear at the service in Germany, I cried buckets at the one in Yorkshire. Both occasions were important for all of us who knew him (or me, since my girlfriends didn't know Steve all that well but wanted to support me).
ReplyDeleteHave you made arrangements as what is to happen with your blog when you die, Graham? Will anyone let us know?
I have often been thinking about that and have told my sister that I expect her to post a notice on my blog and notify those of my friends who neither live nearby nor read my blog.
I think usually relatives do post something on the blog and often on facebook too if the person has an account.
DeleteMeike, I have made arrangements for my blog when I die. My son knows my wishes although how he'll tell everyone is up to him. When I die some people will get a letter from the grave (metaphorically because if things go to plan I'll be cremated.
DeleteI am an atheist and would hope that my departure be marked by a jolly party for any remaining friends and family with my body sent for cremation. I shall leave instructions to that effect with a little fund for the celebratory food and drinks.
ReplyDeleteDarn, I'll be sorry to miss it.
JayCee, you have mirrored my feelings perfectly.
DeleteI don't want a wake or funeral when I die. I can just be cremated and my kids can scatter my ashes somewhere that makes them remember me fondly. I hope they tell funny stories of their loving Mom.
ReplyDeleteSorry. Blogger glitch. Your comment was marked as spam. I would agree in that I definitely don't want a wake or funeral. I would like a celebration though. provided it was a happy one.
DeleteI am definitely one of the "bright colours" brigade. Only a few weeks ago I went to the funeral of a neighbour I'd known since he was 15, but not incredibly well, as is often the way with neighbours. So we had had many a little chat in his lifetime but the funeral taught me a lot about him. One of the most unexpected was that he was a Christian who wanted the King James service, whereas I had always thought it was into esoteric religions. Afterwards someone pointed out that on our road's Street View a couple of years ago he had been recorded by the Google car. The image was blurred slightly but there he unmistakeably is in his favourite spot on the front steps with a mug of tea . So nice to think he is recorded there.
ReplyDeleteJenny, it's amazing what one learns about people at funerals. I like your story.
DeleteSorry, Graham, but the thought of being haunted by you doesn't scare me one little bit. My memories of you will be happy and bright so bright colours sound appropriate. In my 'after life' instructions I'm more concerned about the music to be played at the gathering of my friends and family on the farm, no formal service, a friend of mine to make sure my wishes are followed. There must be music! Judith Durham can sit beside me on my cloud and sing along.
ReplyDeleteYes, Pauline, music is a must. Thank you for reminding me. I won't be having The Smashing Pumpkins but I think my choice might surprise a few people.
DeleteFunerals are still somber occasions - i've said to my children that if I go I would rather family and friends make it a happy occasion rather than sad, for them to share something funny or amusing about me, too much sadness in this world in my humble opinion
ReplyDeleteAmy, most funerals I go to are fairly sombre because of the customs of the Island but most of my friends have specified a celebration rather than a funeral and they leave happy memories if the deceased rather than sad ones. I agree with you that there is far too much sadness in this world.
DeleteI try to avoid funerals, but of course some you can't. After my mother's very traditional funeral some of her family became quite unpleasant due to over indulgence; it ruined our relationship for ever, making the occasion even more upsetting.
ReplyDeleteCro, sorry, Blogger glitch. Your comment was marked as spam. I have heard of similar before but, hopefully, such situations are infrequent.
DeleteLast Friday, I wore black at my brother's funeral as has been the custom for centuries past. For my own funeral in a few years time I will specify that everyone should wear black or they will be asked to leave by the bouncers.
ReplyDeleteActually, YP, I seem to recall that black only became the colour for funerals in Queen Victoria's reign. I'm not sure what a traditional Yorkshire funeral is like but it sounds pretty miserable which is understandable. Lewis funerals often didn't even mention the deceased just the fact that we are all sinners destined for hell and damnation. They were not exactly uplifting for those left behind. I recall a eulogy for a very popular doctor which was uplifting and nearly rent the Free Church congregation asunder.
DeleteIndeed, that is a very different funeral for Lewis. But it is not so long ago that no shops opened on your island on a Sunday, much has changed in our lifetimes.
ReplyDeleteThis morning I saw a meme that really make me stop and think: "The same amount of time has passed between 1970 and now, as between 1918 and 1970". Which brought into focus for me just how life has changed, even in my own lifetime.
Jayne, when I came to live on Lewis it was a completely different place. Not only did shops not open but it was 'not allowed' to go to the beach on the Sabbath either. We took our children because it was a family day and the only day I could share 100% with my children. When we got to the beach our children would be relaxed in their beach clothes. The local children would be in their Sunday Best and ostensibly visiting their Grannie in the next township.
DeleteThe meme really makes one think about changes in our lifetime compared with those in my grandparents' lifetimes.
I don't really intend to have a funeral. It will be more of a family gathering after I'm cremated. My ashes are to be plunked in a hole in the ground with a lilac bush plopped on top. I don't care what anyone wears really. I would like to be remembered. That's all.
ReplyDeleteDebby, from the little I know about you over the last few years I cannot imagine you not being remembered.
DeleteI know I left a comment when I read this post but it must have disappeared somehow!
ReplyDeleteI don't want a wake or funeral. My kids can scatter my ashes wherever they have good memories with me. I hope they gather together to laugh about our good times.
Ellen, sorry. Blogger glitch. Your comment was marked as spam. As was this one. I've responded to the re-instated comment above.
DeleteWith all the funerals I have attended over the last few years (they seem to be getting more frequent as I grow older!), I am noticing that the majority of people wear 'whatever.' Sometimes they don't even bother to 'dress up' and arrive in jeans and tee-shirt. Some funerals are full of gloom and tears, yet others are full of laughter and joy. Other times, like we did with my husband, there is no funeral at all and just a family gathering for the interment. It seems we are now freed from tradition and can do what we like!
ReplyDeleteSorry, Margaret. Your comment had gone to spam. I think you are absolutely right in us being more free from convention but the degree seems to vary with where we are.
DeleteI have my husband's ashes on a shelf in my little library awaiting the time mine will join his and our daughter will scatter us to the four winds ... or wherever she chooses.
ReplyDeleteJill, that's a lovely thought. You've made me think!
DeleteThe last service I attended was my late mother's well over 8 years ago. She died right before Christmas and while it was, of course, a sad event, the church in which the service was held was very decorated for Christmas so it was more cheerful than gloomy. In keeping with the season, I wore red to the service.
ReplyDeleteThank's for your input, Beatrice. I'm sorry but it, too, went into spam. If it wasn't for the fact that other people are having the same problem on their blogs I'd be getting a complex.
Delete