"It's okay for you there's only one of you to look after." is a statement I hear quite frequently from married people.
WHAT! For some reason when I heard it yesterday it really irritated me.
I live in a 100 year old 'family' house. There's only me to clean it and do the maintenance. I have a large garden. There's only me to work in it and maintain it. I eat meals with the usual regularity of two people. There is only me to do the cooking. The difference is simply the quantity I cook. I do all the shopping.
When I go somewhere there's only me to do the driving. There's no "I'll drive tonight so you can have a glass of wine". When I go away I have to pay for double accommodation or a substantial 'single supplement'.
If I get 'flu or break a leg then there's just me to look after me.
On the plus side there's only one of me to consider if I happen to want to watch the television or radio. 😂
Whenever my wife is out for dinner, my cooking motivation plummets quite considerably. I have often thought that if I lived alone my meals would become more rudimentary - just something simple to fill my belly with as little effort as possible. Cooking for others really boosts one's motivation to create meals that are tasty and well-presented. Last night Shirley had something on TV called "The Traitors" and I had to leave the room. It's as awful as "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!" which is also guaranteed to "get me out of" the room.
ReplyDeleteNeil, I haven't watched either programme but then I watch relatively little television. You have a point about meals because I make a lot more effort when I have visitors or guests for dinner. However I do try to ensure that I eat well.
DeleteGraham, I know exactly what you mean. While I am not single, I have a single household during the week, which means although there is just me to "look after", there is also only me to do the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, make decisions about insurances, banks, purchases etc., do the paper work (even though mostly it is now done digital, for instance tax return), remember birthdays and other occasions, prepare cards and presents, work out how to get from A to B and back, and so on.
ReplyDeleteThe work is almost the same but it all lasts on two shoulders.
Thankfully, on those rare occasions were I needed someone to look after me, for instance after my eye operations, my sister was there, and when they were younger and healthier, of course my parents could always be relied on.
But O.K. is simply too far away (150 km one way) to "pop in" or do my shopping for me, that's what it is.
Like Neil says, motivation to cook is much higher when there is something to cook FOR and to eat the meal with. I absolutely love planning, cooking and eating our meals on those weekends O.K. and I spend at my place, or when I invite friends/family over. When I am on my own during the week, my staple diet consists of bread, cheese and chocolate. (I guess I can get away with it because I also eat fruit and raw veg nearly every day, and drink LOTS of water all the time, plus I walk plenty - all good to keep me reasonably healthy so that I don't depend on others to look after me all that much.)
Argh!! For "when there is something to cook FOR" please read "when there is someONE to cook for".
DeleteMeike, the mind is a curious thing. I read your sentence as it was meant not as it was typed.
DeleteI have to say that whilst I'm not a "foodie" as I believe a 'lower grade' gourmand is called I do like eating variety. Because I have little ability to taste stronger tasting food and texture are important. I certainly try to eat healthily.
I totally agree with all you say. And I only have one pension coming in to keep it all running smoothly.
ReplyDeleteThat, too! Nobody but me pays my bills :-)
DeleteRachel and Meike, indeed!
DeleteMy dad once told me that he made some comment to a single man and was quickly told that a single person is responsible for everything. Dad told me he learnt a lesson that day and the story has stuck with me, too.
ReplyDeleteIf a person does nothing but offer moral support, it's already invaluable
Well, Kylie, you'll understand my irritation.
DeleteI have been on both sides of this apparent divide, and had no idea that such controversy could originate from it. I suppose that I simply do whatever needs to be done and don’t think much about it, and certainly don’t take umbrage at someone implying that one situation is more onerous than the other. I don’t actually remember that anyone ever has. But I draw the line at ironing sheets - sheer masochism, Graham! Even my wife would agree with that.
ReplyDeleteDavid, I do iron sheets and shirts simply because unironed cotton sheets and shirts are less pleasing to me than the task or ironing.
DeleteThe single status used to upset my mother-in-law. She was married and widowed twice and spent most of her adult life living alone but resented the single supplement for rooms and 'family packs'. It is unfair to assume that everyone has someone else living with them but that's how life is perceived.
ReplyDeleteIt is indeed, Janice, and it is also a matter of 'economics' for the hotels.
DeleteGreetings! I have just stumbled upon your blog...having seen your comments in other places for a long time!!
ReplyDeleteSingle is an interesting definition.
Living completely alone.. people understand that.
Then there is being a single parent..all being well you do get some help, but The Buck always Stops Here...
Then there is being a Carer...in theory you are not single, but all the work and responsibility sits on your shoulders, however much the one you care for tries to help.
Welcome to the blog, Gwynneth. I have watched you from afar for a while my curiosity having been aroused on the blog we mutually follow. Two interesting things 'join' us: had either of our children been female she would have been named "Gwynneth Margaret" and secondly many years ago until time and distance separated us one of my closest friends was Rosemary Hook. Additionally when I retired from being a bureaucrat I was a potter (but not a 'proper' potter!).
DeleteOn the subject of the post and your comment I hadn't thought about or taken into account the additional responsibilities of single parenthood. That is even more onerous.
I'm lucky because my oldest son lives with me so he helps me out tremendously with moving the lawn and shoveling the snow and just being an all-around good helper. I don't know if I would be able to stay in my home if he went elsewhere!
ReplyDeleteLong may he help and long may you continue in your home, Ellen.
DeleteThat put down, there's only one of you, feels to me that the person's bitterness is showing that they aren't able to be free as a single person is.
ReplyDeleteI miss living with someone who owns a gun, but I do not miss the responsibility of cook, clean, and being 2nd in command of the TV remote. And why does it alway seem like the man in the house has to have thee best comfortable chair in the house? Being single, my chair is my chair. I even have my own lamp. lol
Maywyn, the interpretation in your first sentence is not one that has ever occurred to me.
DeleteBeing Britain the question of owning a gun isn't an issue. When I got married my wife laid down the 'rules of marriage' and that was that. As it happens we had two identical chairs, I probably was told what channel to change the TV to because it involved getting up out of the chair (I think we ceased living together before TVs had remotes).
I get frustrated too when I (occasionally) get that sort of comments. On the other hand, it can be just as bad or even worse being pitied by people assuming one must be feeling miserable all the time just because of living alone... (Luckily I do also have one or two married friends who seem to get both sides of it...) / DawnTreader (Monica), unable to log in just now for some reason
ReplyDeleteMonica, ity has never occurred to me to pity anyone living alone although I have certainly been sad for many people I know whose spouse has died especially if it's happened suddenly.
DeleteGraham, to lose a spouse is of course again a different situation as it involves a sudden change.
DeleteI suppose I can feel empathy but I only ever lived alone for three months when I was 21. Yes, it must be hard to do everything and what I would miss most is the daily company of a sounding board, even if I often disagree with the response of the sounding board.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I am exceptionally happy that I was married and had two wonderful children. However, for the last 24 years I've lived alone. I was fortunate to have a happy childhood and a marriage much happier than many. If I had still been married, though, I'd never have had the life I've had since which has, without doubt, been the happiest part of my life.
DeleteGreat topic. Some people do well living on their own while others are devastated. Some people do well as couples but miss a partner greatly when one passes away.
ReplyDeleteThat is certainly true, Red. I've seen it in a lot of my friends.
DeleteA thought provoking post. I had it work the other way. A woman was angry at me that I was not more upset that our jobs were leaving town. I said something to the effect of: 'It always works out. There are other jobs...' and she cut me off saying, "You don't get it because you have a husband. It's just me. No one has my back."
ReplyDeleteI really like gz's perspective on this. There are different kinds of alone.
Debby, I'd not thought of that aspect of being single. The difference between being alone and being lonely is one I didn't consider.
DeleteGraham, Whenever I hear that line, and I have a few times, I wonder what is so awful about that person's life that they would rather have my life. I think I manage OK most of the time but there are times I'd like to have some help, like when I am sick or suffering in some way physically. The one time I really hate being on my own is when I'm grieving, I don't think I'll ever get used to that.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you're coming from Pauline. The odd thing is that in all the worst losses in my life I have been alone and I think that I cope better being alone.
DeleteI do occasionally spend a month or two alone, when Lady M goes travelling. She is threatening to visit Thailand sometime soon, so I shall be alone again for a few weeks. I actually enjoy being alone, but with a dog in the house one is never really alone.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine you not coping admirably with being 'single' for such periods.
DeleteI am a fence-sitter on this one. I am alone because I am a widow, but I am not lonely because I live with my son. We live our own independent lives but can join together when needed. It works well for both of us.
ReplyDeleteMargaret, your situation certainly seems to be a very good compromise in the circumstances.
DeleteBeing the only person responsible for everything can feel a little overwhelming at times. Although, as your last sentence suggests, it can have it's upsides. X
ReplyDeleteJules I think I'm correct in saying that amongst my commenters you are the only adult living on your own and looking after a young child, which certainly makes your life more onerous than
Deletemine if, for example, you are unwell. However as Lily gets older the circumstances change bit by bit.
Like SaltyP, I also suspect an element of envy.
ReplyDelete